Wednesday, July 16, 2014

It was last two weeks after having iftar alone. hub went to iftar with office... i was sitting on the couch and waiting for the food to slowly travel to to my digestive system. and suddenly, i could feel some kinda movement on lower side of my abdomen. i dont know how to describe, it feels like there's fish swimming inside ur tummy. then i realize, it was you my dear. thank you Allah. i am so blessed. and last week, u have identified yourself to our gynae as baby naj...mmy loves u mucho lil peanut

Wednesday, May 14, 2014


Next week saya akan jumpa Dr.Tan for 2nd time. Tecik will approx be 12-13 weeks. i am entering my 2nd trimester next week. but morning sickness getting worse.  I am not complaining, im just jotting down my pregnancy journey here in case tecik got time to read this in future...just in case, for you to know i have already fallen in love with you tecik..hihihi.

i have read so many post of fb from the pregnancy mom group. some of them were really heart wrenching. yesterday, a fellow mommy to be had lost her baby. she went for monthly check up and doc said there was no heartbeat. At 11 weeks (just like me) she was doing just fine, no bleeding, no nauseating, no nothing. And she thought baby should be fine and healthy inside. but Allah has a better plan for her. Her baby will permanently be a resident in Jannah, and will be waiting for her there. And i forgot to mention here, she had waited for 7 years for her first pregnancy. Dear, friend, i pray you be strong and keep faith in Him. He works in His mysterious ways. Pasrah and redha, insyaallah you will get through this.

i just pray and hope that tecik is doing well inside. Jump, kick, scratch, do whatever you want to do child, i dont mind. even if that means i have to wake up every hour at night to pee, or having to vomit every morning or suffering with alot of heartburn...then so be it. i just want you to be a healthy baby throughout these 9 months. mommy and daddy really cant wait to meet you in november.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Hello there Tecik

Dah berbulan tak menulis. Bukan lah busy mana pun. cuma tak ada feel nak menulis. Tapi hari ini saya mahu berkongsi berite gumbire. 

Last november i had my surgery with Doc cantik at Pantai hosp. Tak sakit on.... sapa nak try silalah. procedure nye hari Rabu, hari khamis tu saya mcm pening2 kepala lagi..mungkin akibat ubat bius. Badan pon berangin asik nk kentut saje. bila ade pelawat, trpaksa tahan. hihihih. hari jumaat sudah discharge. Terus balik rumah mama. Hari sabtu sudah berjalan ke AEON rawang tgk wayang. hari isnin sy sudah drive kereta. tapi mc doktor bagi dekat 3 minggu. hahahah..indah nya hidup tika itu.

start 1 January 2014, sy mulakan rejim diet dgn penuh kesungguhan. selama 2 bulan sy bermusuh dgn karbohidrat, hasil nya? i lost 8 kgs in 2 months. No exercise, no starving. i likeeeee....!!! oh lupa, lepas buat OD dgn dr adilah, i stopped all clinical treatments, ubat pon saya tak amik..supplement pon sy stop except for folic acid. kenapa saya tak buat follow up treatment? IUI, IVF ke? sebabnye adelah,,,H masih kat Miri. bayangkan masa nk buat IVF tu, H offshore or on standby kat miri tak boleh balik... so sia2 je $$$.. thts why i decided not to continue treatmnt at hospital and focused more on losing weight to stabilize my hormon. 

so on march, i went to company's teambuilding at PD. Masa tu i skipped my diet sbb rasa perut lapar and nafsu suddenly memuncak (nafsu makan)... seluar jeans tu pon mcm dh nk ketat balik.konon nye lepas teambuilding nak diet baliklah. hahaha in ur dreams bebeh. masa ni selamba je i participated in all aktvt lasak main lari2 la apa la... lps teambuilding, sy terus ke legoland joined my family for an outing with the kids. dekat legoland, i really had a fun time. naik segala to nenek ride kat dlm tu...i was late about 45 days dh masa ni..but i just couldnt be bothered bcos i have irregular cycle. sbb sblm pergi teambuilding dh buat upt test tp takde pon double line. so masa pegi legoland yg sy pikir cuma...nak enjoyyy..hahah

balik legoland tu rase nak demam..pinggang rase sakit la..nak muntah la. so my colleague (nad) ajak beli upt. sebab dia pon dh delay 2 days. easy case for her sbb dia ade regular period and tak pernah missed. so menapak la both of us to klcc semata nk bli upt tu. i beli brand murah je sbb taknak kuciwa la beli digital tu mahal2..kencing atas tu and got negative...seee hw negative i am? not good so dont follow tht hahaha. after lunch i took half day and balik rumah baru tringat nk try test strip.  so i peed...haha tu pon nk cerita. lps tu i saw double line slowly emerged from the test window. mata stil kelip2 as tak percaya..could it be false alarm? ke test strip murah? sbb tak puas hati i drove to solaris and bought clear blue digital. tapi nk gak jumpa doc so i stopped by at one of the clinics there. jumpa doc...i showed him upt yg sy buat lat rumah. he said 100% i am pregnant. but i insist on blood test.takut harapan pelesu lagi. lepas amik darah i mintak dia scan, tapi x nampak apa lagi as doctor convinced me it is still too early.

so he asked me to pee..masuk toilet klinik..i did both upt yg klinik punya and the clear blue digital tht i just bought earlier. tak sampai seminit yg clearblue tu tulis pregnant 2-3 weeks..lps tu tgk yg klinik pny upt pon double line terang benderang...nangis i dlm toilet. lps balik klinik terus whats app pic yg klinik punya upt kat H...mamat tu blur gila dia x phm, and ms tu dia tgh mkn dgn his friend..dia pi tunjuk kat his friend farid. farid said, kalau ade dua line tu pregnant la...hahaha blur btol H ni. habis dah si farid tgk saya punya urine stain. hahaha sorry farid

and now i am 11 weeks with Tecik inside me. doakan saya and tecik smp selamat 9 bln ye.


if you happen to read this in future, i just want u to know that it is a long wait before u came, but it's worth every single second and ddy shed tears in front of his friend farid when he got to know about your existence..air mata jantan tau tecik, its not that easy, but it's tears of joy. i really hope and pray that someday you will grow up and appreciate all that we ve done to welcome you to this world. we ll be seeing u in 7 months. be good and hang in there tough baby. we love you to the moon..jupiter and mars

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary dear Husband. 
2 years....and counting.
I love you before I met you.
And will love you till Jannah.

Monday, July 8, 2013

mengeluh...perkara biasa bila penat, letih atau tak dapat benda yang dihajati (read: doa belum makbul lagi)

ada orang mengeluh banyak kerja di pejabat.
tapi keluhan orang yang jobless lebih teruk. 
jadi siapa yang lebih layak mengeluh?

ada orang mengeluh makan banyak, bandan gemuk.
tapi ada orang mengeluh tak ada duit untuk makan.
jadi siapa yang lebih layak mengeluh?

ada orang mengeluh kena jaga parents yang dh tua.
tapi keluhan orang yang tak pernah rasa kasih saying ibu bapa lebih hiba.
jadi siapa yang lebih layak mengeluh.

ada orang mengeluh penat jaga anak.
tapi ada orang usaha berbagai cara untuk dapatkan anak.
jadi siapa lebih layak mengeluh?

dalam apa jua keadaan, kita tak layak mengeluh. cuma tarik nafas dalam2, muhasabah diri, lipat gandakan usaha, doa dan tawakal. nahhh...cubalah. hidup pasti aman, hati pasti tenang. insyaallah.

selamat menyambut ramadhan almubarak. 

Monday, July 1, 2013

My tiny little angel

Would you wear pink or would you wear blue?
i ll never know
or hear your sweet coo
or see those tiny little fingers

how the thoughts of you just linger....

it was only for 4 weeks. but you'll always be remembered. i love you forever my tiny little angel.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Bumi Allah ini luas

it has been a week since i tender my resignation. the fear of not getting any job, in near future is killing me. alhamdulillah, Allah is the most merciful, one closed the door for me, but HE opens another for me.

thank you Allah.

i went for an interview yesterday, and secured the job. alhamdulillah. but i wont be doing in house legal anymore. nope, not going to practice back.

i ll be managing contract.hahaha,a contract specialist!will be reporting direct to VP project. kecut perut jugak as this is new thing for me. but lets give it a try kan...looking forward to join the company soon. my futrue boss is actually willing to pay my notice period, but i told him i only have 3 weeks left with m.mhe.

so..bye2 legal for now. i will be back insyaallah, after i gain more experience dealing with project management and contracts.

thanks to all of u, those yg pray for me. tq sayang2 semua

Monday, February 25, 2013


there is posssibility of me being jobless. i have tendered my resignation letter.
i made up my mind, not considering that i havent got any job offer yet.
one month that is, from today. i am not sure i am gonna regret this or not.
but i just couldnt work with the type of person that im dealing with now.

dear lovely readers, please pray for me. so that i ll get new job.i just hate to think that i ll be jobless

Friday, February 8, 2013

as im writing this, tears keep falling down like rain.h is sleeping next to me. this week has been a rough one for it work or personal.

i went for a check up with dr cantik today. we discussed on my hsg result. adhesion was spotted. she suggested tht i opt for laps procedure. sooner the better.perhaps nx week. im just so scared right now. i just had my hsg and still traumatized by the effect. drove back alone after the procedure as h's flight was only at 7.45pm. it was freakin sakit! at first it was just an uneasy feeling.mcm buat pap smear.and it turned out to be deymmm sakit. after tht i was left on tht katil besi alone for anor 30 freakin minutes. and i cried most of the time.

im having a hard time at work to add more to this ttc prob. im just so fragile lately.simple things could have touched my heart n makes me cry.

not quite sure about the laps procedure but im definitely scared.i wish i could be stronger

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Hai, saya masih disini

lama sungguh tak update.dah tak tau nak cerita apa. kadang2 dok pk, yang aku update ni, benda2 yg terlalu privacy atau tak. lepas kawen ni rase malas yg teramat nk update blog. maybe sebab tanggungjawab dh berganda. kalau dulu gosok baju untuk aku je, skarang gosok baju untuk H skali. masak pon gitu, aku ni jenis tolak batu ngn kayu je. H mmg jenis tak kisah mkn megi hari2 pon takpa...tapi aku laa yg mithali sangat tak sampai hati bg dia mkn megi hari2...klu selang sehari takpa..hahahah... eh megi2 pon bukan sebarang megi tau...ade sayur, bawang, cilipadi, telur segala..

apa lagi nak update ye?

oh aku dah tukar keje. lepas raya hari tu dh start kat tempat baru. tapi ni dh ade rase nak tukar kerja lagi.hahaha. ntah laa, aku mcm tak berapa hepi dgn beberapa perkara kat sini. terlalu rama bizi bodi ni aku rimas juge. aku ni style, kau buat kerja kau, aku buat kerja aku. if u need help, then ask! i ll try to help. tapi kalu org ske cucuk2 dont like. jadi kalu sesapa rase nk offer aku kerja, boleh email aku. dr jawatan bibik sampai la ke jawatan ceo, aku x kisah, nnt aku bg cv aku.

lupa plak, 29 oct aritu anniversary aku yg pertama. H bawak kuar mkn, hadiah anniversary pon in advance aku dh pilih. hahahaha. nasib laa dapek laki tak lomantik...x larat nk guide dh...janji dia hepi, aku hepi udoh lerr...bwk aku kuar g mkn pon aku hepi.

cite pasal makan, lately ni aku makan byk gila macam org bela saka kekdahnye. aku taktaula ni efek hormon ke apa kan...but since im on fertility treatment, ntah hape pil aku kna mkn, aku rasa sebab tu kot selera membuak... pasrah je laaa...

oh cerita pasal fertility treatment, i started off quite early, 7 months lps kawen sudah jumpe gynae. bukan aku tak sabar (eh mmg tak sabar nk dpt bby), tapui sbb since akwen hormon tak menentu....irregular period. so H insist aku jumpe gymae time tu. and luckily we went for an early test. so taklah aku buang masa tanpa usaha dgn fertility treatment. ok laa im  diagnosed with PCOS. sapa tak tau boleh tanya pokcik gugel :)

the thing with fertility/infertility treatment is always been an emotional journey utk aku dan H. ade masa2 emo tak tentu hala. aku ler yg emo, H tukang pujuk. tapi aku tau deep inside he's trying hard to control his emotion. bile every time tak berjaya, aku mcm down tahap gaban...tapi this cycle aku rase cm aku dh tough sket...sket je xde laa nk nagis bagai mcm sblm2 ni. kadang2 rase bersalah yang amat. ye laa kan aku yg prob. huahuahua... aritu cerekarama kt tv3, anzalna, fauziah ghous dgn laki tu apa nama ntah lupa... first wife x leh pregnant, so suh laki kawen blk dgn ex gf dulu. tahan emosi je aku tgk ceta tu weyyyy. and rase nk lempang jantan tak sadar diri tu. tp aku senyap je laa sbb tgh tahan air mata. H mcm tau2 plak...terus dia ckp.."haaaaa jgn nk suh dia buat benda bukan2 mcm 1st wife dlm ceta ni" ....ehhhh dlm hati aku, bile plak aku nk bg dia kawen lagi satu kannnnnn...perasan...chait.

tapi...andai kata..andai katalahh...satu hari nanti aku terpaksa berkorban...ntah laa. huishhh takmo pk lah gitu. kan dh bergenang air mata ni. tadi baru je kata tough skit skang...chait. ok pergi makan! food will make u happy, regardless!

kena lebih muhasabah diri. amalan terlalu kurang....nak minta dgn Tuhan pon sangat segan. tapi minta juga. jd ya, kna lebih kan amalan. tingkat prestasi, elakkan kontroversi..ok bai


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